According to Google, a tagline is “a catchphrase or slogan, especially as used in advertising, or the punchline of a joke.” I’ve always sort of assumed that humanity, itself, is the punchline of a joke we didn’t quite catch the beginning of. I feel that way today, anyhow. This afternoon, I have to get an ultrasound of my thyroid because the lymph nodes my doctor excised during surgery had thyroid cells, or tissue, in them. He said that this was highly unusual, and added that thyroid cancer is one of the most treatable forms.
Wait a minute… Are you telling me that I might have thyroid cancer in addition to salivary gland cancer? I couldn’t exactly digest that, so I’ve been sitting with the possibility (like so many other things) since he mentioned it in his post-surgery follow-up call. Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to having someone mess around with my neck while the scar from my surgery one month ago, today, still looks like a fresh incision. Here’s hoping the nurse or tech that performs the ultrasound is sensitive to this. (Note: I will say that most of the medical professionals who have been involved with my care thus far have been wonderful humans, with the exception of a resident who YANKED, forcefully and without warning, on the drain that was inserted into my neck after surgery).
Today’s ultrasound calls to mind the last time I had one, five years ago, while pregnant with my daughter. It induced some anxiety, as well (is everything ok? is she growing normally?), but joy and anticipation were also thrown into the mix, so it was more than bearable. Now, I only feel dread. Bodies are curious things. Mercurial, idiosyncratic. At least mine seems to be. I try to remind myself of those times when it did everything just as it should, competently and correctly. When I gaped in awe of it, like during labor and delivery. I’m aware that the dichotomy my language is invoking (i.e. “it” and “my body” vs. “me”) is both historically entrenched and problematic. Ostensibly, it’s all the same stuff. But illness seems to invite the distinction. Like I’m trying to cordon off a part of me that’s still well. Inviolable. I know it’s not, but I’m beginning to understand that knowledge and need are very different things.
Well, then 